Day Seven: Headache

Tuesday, May 10th. 2:36 pm

I’m on my second day without anti-depressants. Not gonna lie I still kind feel kind of out of it, but way less so than I did yesterday. Hopefully my dad comes home with them soon,  because I’m still pretty dependent on them. It’s not something I really like but it’s something I still have to live with.

I have not taken a glance at the one word prompt for today but whatever it is I’m sure I’ll think of something to write along side it. Yesterday I took some time for myself and did some yoga, ran for thirty minutes on the Treadmill, and took a relaxing shower. It helped center myself and keep stress at bay and I hadn’t taken the time to care for my own well being that It was honestly extremely refreshing. I urge everyone to take time for themselves, even if it’s a shower or a good meal. Your health and peace of mind matter just as much as everyone else’s, and taking time to ensure you’re okay should be part of your daily routine.

Sadly I do have a headache. I woke up with one because allergy season is having a giant impact on me. Then again allergy season for me is all year round considering I have four dogs and live in the valley. My niece has wandered in and decided to join me in typing,  and by join me I mean stare at my fingers as they type. Also randomly shut down the door. Then stare at my girlfriend as I video chat with her.

Stay lovely

XOXO Mouse

Roses on fire

Some people wake up to alarm clocks, and I wake up to crying. Currently there are three children living in the house and all of them are under the age of three. Every day I am greeted with one of three crying, and the same baby isn’t the one crying for a second day. It’s a routine now. Which baby is crying? Is it the infant or the toddler? My attempts of turning to the side and trying to head back to sleep are matched with louder screaming. These are not even my kids. I am glad to hear that my brother has beautiful healthy babies but I am not glad to hear them cry every single morning without fail.

Every day without fail I also wake up to see my girlfriend, my fast asleep on the other end of the video call, or a dead phone. If I’m really lucky I’ll wake up to her in front of me, and a small dog clawing at the door for attention. Mornings are not and I don’t think ever will be in slightest bit boring. If they aren’t filled with sloppy kisses they are filled with screaming children. I would rather have the kisses. The rest of the day could also go one or two ways. Fairly calm, with an infant crying out for milk every so often, or with them crying every ten minutes. When one baby stops crying the other one starts. That is no exaggeration.

Mentally things could go one of three ways. The first being rather smoothly and happily, with no nervous jitters and Rose incense. The second being a little bumpy with slight nerves and maybe going to bed early. The third, and the most chaotic, being not capable to leave bed because my entire body is completely weighed down and everything seems like a chore. This is hardest to combat because all of my senses are low if not shut down, and the fight your constantly battling to carry on with you day is becoming lost. Nothing is ever set in stone. Nothing is ever going to be set as one hundred percent calm. Nothing is going to be exactly how you want it.

That sounds kind of terrifying. It is. Yet it’s so many other things. It’s magical. It mysterious. It’s amazing. Because you don’t know that your life is going to be filled with choices and laughter. With friends and family and love. With kisses and tight embraces. Life is chaotic and never boring. Life is a mystery and it’s a mystery I never want to solve.  I don’t want to know when my girlfriend is going to kiss me because every surprise kiss is even better than the last. I don’t want to know when I’m going to find money on the floor because that takes the joy out of the surprise. I don’t want to know when she’s going to kneel on one knee to me because I want the sudden thrill of being engaged.

You can’t live trying to make sure everything is set straight. You can’t live trying to balance chaos. I’m not very old. I’m not very wise. I’m young enough to know the path paved in front of me is from my own accord, from my own accomplishments, and from my own failures. And I know that every single accomplishment and every single failure is one hundred percent a factor in who I am and who I’m going to be. Every single day of my life is new and fresh and a complete mystery. Every face I see, every snack I eat, every meal I have, and every word I speak has such and impact on not only myself but the people around me. I want the chaos of not knowing how much of an impact my words make on everyone.

My only wish is that they leave a good one.

 

Day Six: Recharge

Monday, May 9th 11:20 am

Today is the first day in two years I am running solely off of will power. No depression or anxiety medication, nothing to ease myself into the day, and it’s significantly harder than I ever though it would be. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, feeling cold chills down my spine, and feel really nervous for not much of a reason. My one word prompt is going up today, as promised, but I do ask all of you keep in mind that I’m not one hundred percent okay and my writing may reflect that.

There is Rose incense currently in the burner and that does help my mood go up quite a bit, as well as my trip out of state later this month. During May twenty sixth to may twenty ninth I will try my best to post my daily updates but things get a little chaotic when I go to these events so I can’t make any promises. Everyday before that hopefully things will continue to be posted on my usual daily schedule. Also, not from my phone, because I have less control over how I type and spell a lot of words completely incorrectly. Which is very annoying.

After I finish this up I should get started on the word prompt of the day. Sadly, no news on Bees, Bunnies and corsets, but I’ll keep all of you informed if anything comes up

Stay Lovely

XOXO Mouse

Day Five: Smore Frappuccino

Another phone update. Bear with me, I haven’t gotten much sleep

It’s currently nine in the morning and I just want to go back to sleep. Today I’m going out with my mom and Grandma to celebrate mothers day, and we are on our way to Salvadoran cuisine for breakfast. A small part of me wishes I brought my father along because he’s not going to be very happy. This is the first year since my grandma’s passing that she’s not here for mothers day. I’m not the one driving, so I can’t call the shots, but I would have rather not left him alone today.

I’m probably going to lay my head down and nap after I post this, but I’m going to have it qued up so it posts at my usual time. I don’t plan on waking up this early every day.

I’m also heading to an acting class in the afternoon, and if I gather the courage I might vlog too. I’ve been trying to for a while now but I’ve always been super nervous about it. Everything is kind of up in the air and nothing is solid other than my current plans to attend an event later this month, and when that comes up I’ll let you guys know.

One word prompts should begin again tomorrow, and maybe even more work when it comes to terms of my book.

For now, I urge you to stay Lovely

XOXO Mouse

Day Four: Twins

Mouse here

Im posting this update from my phone and it’s something I don’t want to happen often. I can’t exactly step away from my infant nieces to go write the one word prompt as usual but that’s okay.

Last night was when I realized how much scent affects my mood. Rose incense wakes me up, lavender puts me to sleep, and Dragons blood seems to inspire creative work. I’m still empty when it comes to Dragons blood but that shouldn’t be to hard to fix.

These little rants of mine should be happening once a day, hopefully everyday, and it’s mainly for my own benefit. Maybe it’s nice to just have a nice little space where I can express myself freely, or maybe I just complain too much. Regardless they do provide me with some sort of stress relief. I don’t spend enough time making sure that I’m okay, and this little time I spend to talk about whatever is nice.

Sadly right now Bees, Bunnies and Corsets is everywhere and I have no idea where it’s going to start, end, or what’s even going to happen. Is that normal? Eh I don’t care.

The twins are waking up and my now two year old niece is wrecking Havoc.

Stay Lovely ♡
XOXO Mouse

Reflect

Prompt

When I was seventeen years old I would find myself in the hallway staring at a picture of my brother in his Military uniform, my reflection sitting beside him, and I would wonder when I would make my family proud. I was the youngest and still hadn’t accomplished as nearly as much as my older brother had. Relatives would ask me when I would be getting a job or when I would be getting married, starting a family, or even learning how to drive. All things my brother already had under his belt. I couldn’t help but find myself thinking He was the skyscraper and i was merely the shadow it cast.

Thats not when it started either. I entered high school right after he graduated. I entered the same program he had been in for four years, and immediately the teacher asked if I had any relatives in the corp. I nodded and said “Patrick”. His eyes opened wide and he said “You’re Patrick’s sister? Hey it’s Patrick’s sister!” For the next two years I was know as “Patrick’s little sister” If I performed badly I was asked how my brother would think. If I performed well I was told that I was following in my brothers footsteps. Nothing I did was of my accord. Everything was because of my heritage towards my older brother.

When I was even younger and I would show my makeshift books to my parents, they would read them and toss them to the side. Yet when a child my brothers age published a book at twelve, he was the one offered the encouragement to pursue writing, and I was left with a pen and paper wondering if I was ever going to praised for my own accomplishments. As much as I despised being compared, being forgotten, and how much I would beg for attention of my own I would give so much to be where things were so much simpler.

My brother is merely twenty one. My brother has three kids, a wife, and still lives at home. My brother is trying his best and doing everything he can to support his little ones and his wife but one man can only do so much. My brother isn’t as happy as he used to be. Now instead of trying to catch up to what he has and everything hes accomplished I find that everyone wants me to be completely different. My parents no longer say “Look what your brother has accomplished” and began saying “Please don’t end up like your brother” I find myself trying to be the child that learned from their siblings mistakes instead of looking up to them and finding that I could do great things too.

Looking back the people and family I look up to are now people my mother never wants me to be. My aunt who worked so long to go through college and get the degree she wanted, and is now on depression medication and fighting multiple diseases. My grandma, who held my hand and walked me to school everyday, who raised five kids and not once said she regret having any of them, stopped fighting for her life because her sons wouldn’t take the time out of their day to make sure she was okay. My mom, who was raised with no father because of a terrible accident, now seems bitter and wishes daily that she hadn’t had kids or had at least waited longer to even get married. I’m standing in the shadows of everyone’s failed attempts at being happy.

I light my incense, grab a pen and pencil, and try doing what I love. Because I’m not just their shadow of what could have been. I’m not my mothers desires. I’m not my brother, I’m not my aunt, and I am not my grandma. I’m not going to look at the world and pity the people who wasted time wondering what could have been. My grandma was a strong, beautiful woman. My aunt is so smart and so successful and I am so proud of her. My mom is so strong willed and so able minded that she could do basically everything. My brother is only twenty one and he’s in the army, he’s married to the woman he loves, and he has three beautiful children that smile and brighten up everyones day. Yet that leaves one question standing, who am I?
I am a writer. I am an artist. I am strong. I am building my life up and nothing anyone says to me is ever going to break it down. Because I am not the shadow of a my brother. I am not the shadow of my independent mother. I am not the shadow of my deceased grandmother. I am so many things. I am smart. I am creative. I am fast. I am so much more than anyone ever believes me to be. I am going to continue to be so much more and I’m going to make myself proud. My life is and will never be about my family’s mistakes. I am not my brothers failures. I am my own accomplishments. I am me. Nothing and no one is ever going to change that.

Little bit of advice, you aren’t so bad either. You’re not anyones shadow. You are your own person. So get out there and make something absolutely incredible.

Day Three: Dragon blood

I ran out of dragon’s blood incense, so I pulled from the stack of miscellaneous incense and who knows what I’m burning. 

Whatever it is sure helps calm me down so thats pretty nice. Maybe I’ll ground myself today, get that energy flowing, and do some yoga. My creative block has been easing up the past couple of days. Maybe it’s because I find myself (as well as my two followers) writing daily now. It’s a nice pick me up. Yesterday I started the first Chapter of Bees, Bunnies, and Corsets. I made that title up right now. It feels nice to be recharged.

This weekend is going to be a little tight so I may not post everyday as I have been so keen on doing. I will definitely be writing to keep my brain working but this blog will get a little neglected. Apologies in advancement! I have a class this Sunday, and this Saturday is my niece’s second birthday! Time really does fly doesn’t it. Just yesterday I could hold her with two hands. Now we can barely handle her with two arms! She’s a feisty one, that girl.

Bees, Bunnies and Corsets is something I hope to have published by the end of this year. Chapter one is currently in the making, and after the rough draft is finished I’m going to have it reviewed and looked over. To be completely honest I should have the stories I post on here peer reviewed before I just hit publish. This will be my first official book and I couldn’t be more excited! I’ve been writing stories for as long as I can remember. So finally getting my work out and published is a dream come true!

Maybe I can even land a job. Maybe.

XOXO Mouse

Salt water

Prompt

From what I can recall seawater promotes health, pushes goals forward, and even has some magic to it. Yet I continued to recoil from the mistress, as she leaned forward and brushed my thighs. There were plenty of people around me to make sure that if I in fact do trip and fall into the ocean for no one to find me then someone could stop me maybe. Hopefully. I sighed, turned around, and headed back to the shaded area where my friends reside.

A few of them smiled at me as I came up, holding up a can of soda and cheering, and I took my place next to my best friend. He grinned at me and I ruffled his short black hair. “Having fun?” He asks me. I nod and take a sip of his drink. He pauses for a brief moment before reaching over and touching my hair. “You haven’t gone in the water?” He asks. “No” He sighs and pats me on the head. “Come on. I’ll show you things are going to be okay” He stands up, ands takes my arm dashing towards the wide ocean. “Wait!” I try to say but hes set on bringing me to that ocean.

We arrive in the area I was before and I find myself in an even bigger issue. Turn around and ignore his attempts of helping me, or take his hand and face what’s eating away at me. He smiles at me, showing off his pearly white teeth, and I can’t say no. I take his hand and bring myself to step further into the water. It reaches my waist and I shiver, but my best friend is holding my hand and I find my self marveling at the colors. Something about the water seemed so pure, the blue so bright, and the sand so soft.

My best friend splashed some water over to me, and I did the same. We began laughing and giggling and splashing, saltwater hitting our skin. I found myself diving in to get my hair and face in there, as if the earth itself was bathing me, and washing away the mundane worries that plagued me. It was refreshing to have them sweep away from me even if it was only for those few moments I spent in the water. What had once been something so cold and foreign felt warm and just like home. The mistress of the sea hugged me with every wave, ran her fingers through my hair, and left kisses on my skin.

We’re enjoying ourselves so much we don’t notice how close the sun is to going down. I find myself in a different place than when I came down to the water again. Leaving was becoming hard when I found myself so comfortable and happy. A light punch in the arm brought me back to my sense, and I smiled. “Come on, we can come another time. You got someone to go home to” I nodded, stepping out of the water and onto the sand.

Day two: Eh?

Mouse here!

With another oh so exciting update! (It’s not really don’t get your hopes up) Yesterday, I gained one whole follower! So thats pretty cool. I guess my writing skills haven’t completely left me. Hello!

In other news I managed to get a prompt for my first book. I had no idea where to start, which characters to introduce first, where to put them, and I was just completely lost. Even if I only have a couple of paragraphs written it’s so much more than what I originally had which was in fact completely nothing. Working titles are currently not a concern but a few ideas come to mind.

Sometime in the future I’ll post portions of a chapter, character concepts, or something to do with the story so I’m not leaving this blog completely pointless. Maybe I’ll post some old work, or maybe some short stories I worked on in my spare time. Right now a lot is not determined and subjected to change. I’m still really fickle with a lot of things and coming out of my shell is a lot harder than I imagined it to be. So please be patient with me.

Thank you, because if you’re reading this, you’re either bored or actually have an interest in whatever it is I’m doing here. And with either reason I do appreciate you taking the time to read my mess of ideas. Stay lovely!

 

XOXO Mouse