Roses on fire

Some people wake up to alarm clocks, and I wake up to crying. Currently there are three children living in the house and all of them are under the age of three. Every day I am greeted with one of three crying, and the same baby isn’t the one crying for a second day. It’s a routine now. Which baby is crying? Is it the infant or the toddler? My attempts of turning to the side and trying to head back to sleep are matched with louder screaming. These are not even my kids. I am glad to hear that my brother has beautiful healthy babies but I am not glad to hear them cry every single morning without fail.

Every day without fail I also wake up to see my girlfriend, my fast asleep on the other end of the video call, or a dead phone. If I’m really lucky I’ll wake up to her in front of me, and a small dog clawing at the door for attention. Mornings are not and I don’t think ever will be in slightest bit boring. If they aren’t filled with sloppy kisses they are filled with screaming children. I would rather have the kisses. The rest of the day could also go one or two ways. Fairly calm, with an infant crying out for milk every so often, or with them crying every ten minutes. When one baby stops crying the other one starts. That is no exaggeration.

Mentally things could go one of three ways. The first being rather smoothly and happily, with no nervous jitters and Rose incense. The second being a little bumpy with slight nerves and maybe going to bed early. The third, and the most chaotic, being not capable to leave bed because my entire body is completely weighed down and everything seems like a chore. This is hardest to combat because all of my senses are low if not shut down, and the fight your constantly battling to carry on with you day is becoming lost. Nothing is ever set in stone. Nothing is ever going to be set as one hundred percent calm. Nothing is going to be exactly how you want it.

That sounds kind of terrifying. It is. Yet it’s so many other things. It’s magical. It mysterious. It’s amazing. Because you don’t know that your life is going to be filled with choices and laughter. With friends and family and love. With kisses and tight embraces. Life is chaotic and never boring. Life is a mystery and it’s a mystery I never want to solve.  I don’t want to know when my girlfriend is going to kiss me because every surprise kiss is even better than the last. I don’t want to know when I’m going to find money on the floor because that takes the joy out of the surprise. I don’t want to know when she’s going to kneel on one knee to me because I want the sudden thrill of being engaged.

You can’t live trying to make sure everything is set straight. You can’t live trying to balance chaos. I’m not very old. I’m not very wise. I’m young enough to know the path paved in front of me is from my own accord, from my own accomplishments, and from my own failures. And I know that every single accomplishment and every single failure is one hundred percent a factor in who I am and who I’m going to be. Every single day of my life is new and fresh and a complete mystery. Every face I see, every snack I eat, every meal I have, and every word I speak has such and impact on not only myself but the people around me. I want the chaos of not knowing how much of an impact my words make on everyone.

My only wish is that they leave a good one.


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